Off the deep end
by Wildgoatchild
Summary: After one to many normal mornings, Miroku finally realizes how lame they all are and goes temporarily insane. Crack. One shot.


It was a pretty damn normal morning. The sun was out, the sky was blue, and that annoying bird that never shuts up and sings at precisely at 9:15 am was, well, singing. It was quite annoying, and got old quickly, like a catchphrase, or Bill Cosby. Miroku awoke with a start. Well, no, actually, he didn't. Miroku never awoke with a start. In fact, he never was the first one awake, Inuyahsa was always the first one to get up and start doing things. Miroku would often wake up before InuYasha, but he would always pretend he was asleep. Why? Because InuYahsa was always the first one up, and the damn script writers were too lazy to think of anything else. So he sat there, in a mind numbing trance, staring fixedly at the dog boy's sleeping form, which was in it's usual position of approximately 3 feet away from everyone else. So let's try this again. It was a normal morning. It was always a normal morning. Everything was always the same. Shippo always slept on his pillow, Sango always slept smothering that poor lemon yellow cat, Kagome was resting in a sleeping bag, using her backpack as a headrest. I"It's always the same." Miroku thought, still pretending to be asleep. "Always. There should be a law against this. It's inhumane. Its torture. It's HELL! I know, I should go out, shave my head, and get hello kitty tattoos all over my body, and go get drunk at a strip club! THEN it wont be so normal anymore!" /I  
But he immediately disregarded the idea. He would've slapped himself, but he had to pretend he was asleep, because InuYasha had to get up first, because he was special. Finally, the dog began to stir. I"Let's see, if I remember correctly, he'll first scratch his head, flick his left ear, open one eye, scratch his head one more time, then get to his feet, and piss on the fire to put it out!" /I  
"No wait.. that's not right." But to the monk's astonishment, he was right. Word for word. The poor mink looked away in horror as he heard the dog boy unzip his pants, the only thing distracting him from the evil dripping sound was the lame ass bird, who was still belching it's song. Miroku wondered vauguely what the others would say if he decided to take up hunting. I"Now, InuYasha's going to go wake up Kagome, who will wake up Sango. By then, Shippo will have heard all the noise, and gotten up too, and then he'll wake me up." /I  
Sure enough, Kagome and Sango's voice soon melted into the chattering, and a few seconds later, something furry brushed past his nose, and he felt a familiar paw shaking his face. "Wake up Miroku, it's morning!" Came the fox's cheerful call.

Miroku groaned. "Shut the hell up. I don't want to get up yet." Well, that's what he wanted to say, but of course he couldn't. No, it had to be something much nicer and non threatening, because that's the veiwers the had come to expect. Instead, he sat straight up, and offered an unnatrualy white grin. "Good morning Shippo! Thanks for waking me up! What's for breakfast?" "It better not be fish. Damnit! I hate fish! Damn the amphibians to hell! Wait, they aren't amphibians.." "Well, Kagome brought back all that awesome flavored food in the pretty packaging..." Oh yes, oh god YES!" Miroku shouted mentally, taking no time to wonder why the prospect of a non fishie breakfast was turning him getting him so exited.  
"But then she accidentally dropped it in the toilet at the last town we were at." "WHAT?" He screamed, wasting no time in scolding the retarded, I mean, I mentally challenged/I priestess in her impudence. "Damn you wench! How could you drop the beep food in the toilet! Do you get high off of making us all suffer or what!" Screamed the poor confused monk. Everyone, I mean everyone, including that lame ass bird, stopped to stare intently at the scene. InuYasha's mouth was hanging open, Kagome looked like she was about to cry, and Sango was blowing up colorful clown shaped balloons with a gas tank that had found it's way into her possession, absently humming the Telitubie theme song. ...I mean, she was equally shocked and affronted. But not one of them took the time to question Kagome why the food had been in the bathroom with her in the first place.

"Uh.. I mean... You shouldn't have been so careless with our supplies, Kagome." The monk said hurriedly, desperately attempting to make up for what he just said. InuYasha and Kagome's faces softened into almost lobotamic looks. Sango was still having fun with the gas filled latex orbs. "That's...better" Kagome said, almost mechanically. "Yes...Better" repeated her fuzzy companion, who was speaking in an equally mystical fashion, and wearing a constipated, I mean dazed look on his face. It was near noon, and the sun was shinning sadistically through the sky, unprotected by it's precious layers of pollution. The beams were shining directly on Shippo's head, who was gratefully, blocking the rays from Miroku's own while sitting on his shoulder. Miroku wondered whither continued exposure to ultra violet rays would cause his fox friend's hair to turn gray, or, perhaps, melt it off altogether. Either way, it would make for a nice change of pace. The gang was traveling down an old, conveniently places road, with lead to nowhere in particular. I"I'll bet 5 million dollars, and Sango's ass, that we come across yet another village that's been pillaged by some ridiculous looking demon."/I Thought the monk, his pace suddenly uneven because of a large a leg tumor he had developed out of boredom.. Suddenly everyone stopped. Well, actually, Kagome just stopped. But since she's the co-protagonist, everyone has to stop when she does, and pretend they're interested in what she's going to say. But Miroku knew exactly what she was going to say. She had said it so many times in the last few days, no, month, that he had completely memorized her phrase, word for word. He even knew what pitch, and what sounds she put stresses on. so, before the girl could open her strangely oval shaped mouth, Miroku shouted, "I sense the Sacred Jewel!" Miroku said in a high, girly, almost flirty voice.  
For the second time that morning, everyone stopped to look at him. Some looking plainly shocked, the others, evidently wanting retribution. "Uh.. I meant, do you sense the Sacred Jewel Kagome?" "Yes, as a matter of fact I do. It's coming from those ruins over there." She said, pointing to a pile of smoldering buildings that wasn't there a second before. Then, a little old man popped out of a tree. Well, he more, "appeared by the tree" than anything else. Never the less, his eyes were half closed his skin was wrinkled, he was wearing, er, rich man clothing, and for some odd reason he smelt of shampoo.

"Oh help us!" The wrinkly entity lamented. " A great ugly demon has destroyed our village! And we're too stupid to do anything about it! Will you please help us?" "Damn it, we really don't have time for this." InuYasha grumbled. "We don't?" Miroku challenged. " Why not? Where exactly are we I going/I anyways?" Every was completely silent, so silent that it almost appeared they were screaming. So they weren't like. "..." They were like "...!" "You know what?" Miroku said suddenly, snapping the silence like the energizer bunny does the laws of physics. "I don't really care about your damn village. We have far to much on our plates as it is." His voice was eerily smooth and sophisticated. "And," He added "Aren't you that man we helped five episodes back?" The old man completely ignored Miroku's remark. Or maybe he was just deaf. Who knows. "Oh, but I'm sure all the beautiful young ladies will be very dissapoi..." The old Spam…. I mean man.. was cut off immediately by a glories outburst. "Didn't you hear me the first time?" He said, gathering his breath. "I DON'T beep CARE!" He screamed at the top of his lungs. Oh, but he wasn't done yet. Not by a long shot. "YOU PEOPLE ARE SO beep LAME! DON"T YOU REALIZE HOW DULL OUR LIVES ARE? " Then, without any warning, Miroku activated his wind tunnel and placed it over his own head. But he didn't suck himself up. No. He turned himself inside out. "Oh my GOD!" Shrieked Kagome. "Doesn't that hurt?" Asked an overly excited InuYasha, who was more curious than disgusted. "Oh god. Oh gooooooood." Sango whined after catching sigh of his inside out.. um.. assets, and blacking out the second after.

"Cool!" Exclaimed Shippo. "Kirara didn't say anything, but walked up to the living x-ray and began to chew on his exposed tendons.

"Ahhhh" Sighed Miroku happily." THE END. 


End file.
